Obit Reader

Reading the obituary page is definitely my favorite part of the whole paper. The rest of the paper is all passing news, the scandal of the hour, and no matter how horrifying that particular hour is-well, as someone once said (the Bible?), "This too shall pass." But not the Obits. The Obits will stay the same way forever, and the lives of the people they memorialize are now static. How much easier it is to get a handle on something when you're pretty sure that no new information will be dropped on you at the last minute. Of course that isn't uniformly true. God bless the family that finds out years after a death about some unsavory aspect of the deceased (Grandma's S&M buddy memorializes her as such in his obit), and also those who find out about a heretofore unknown aspect of their loved one's good character (the janitor who saved millions to donate to charity). However, these are probably the exception to the rule. For the most folks, the obit is the final summary of what you did or did not do.

When I scan the obits, I look first for the tragedy. The birth and death dates that aren't far enough apart, the "died suddenly and unexpectedly," the ones that mention the memorial service being held at a high school. Tragedy wakes you up like no cup of coffee ever could, readying you for a day of making sure you get a few things taken care of, telling some folks how much you love (or despise) them, and doing something worth noting for chris'sake! It seems like a mistake to me to think that because I am 23 I have plenty of time to make my death noteworthy and my obit interesting. I've seen many 17-25 year olds in the paper, whose families were obviously struggling to come up with something notable about them without resorting to their remarkable ability to be an ass to their parents, their outrageous acne, their record breaking SAT scores, etc. They end up with something like, "Jessica/Kevin was a friend to everyone she/he met." No, they weren't. Why would they want to be? I much prefer the families who choose to acknowledge what may have been truly remarkable about their kid, but maybe they're the only ones who knew or appreciated it. "Epiphany Asteroid Jones once told her 2nd grade teacher to kiss off, and maintained that attitude ever since, applying it especially vigorously to her cancer." The lucky ones are those whose kids actually did do something that they would have wanted written about. "Mary volunteered as a Ski-for-All guide, helping people who were blind or had no legs to ski." It seems almost more tragic than a premature death when the parents can't think of anything to say about their kid. I don't want to be mean. The last place anyone hopes or plans to spend their creative writing energy is on their child's obit, and unlike the elderly, few teenagers pre-write the obit or mention what they want said. I guess I just hope that if I died right now, no one would censor themselves. Just pour out all the grief and humor you can find in my life and death, and publish it for posterity to dig up in a geneology library some day.

The next set of folks I look for are those who were married for 50+ years. Remarkable. That's something that, if I am hardworking, lucky, and dogged enough to accomplish, I damn sure want noted in my obit. If the spouse is surviving, I am forced to think about them. I have shared a bed with Alex for seven years, and I don't sleep well without his twitches and snorts, and the occasional, precious half-awake declaration of love. It's unimaginable how one would feel after 65 years, whether they were spectacular years or not. I guess for some it could be a sense of relief, but I have to think that for most it's more like losing three of your limbs, all at a go. "John leaves behind his wife of 67 years," is going to be a rarer and rarer sighting on the obit page. Those I read about who reached the 50 year mark were married when they were around 20, sometime in the 1940's. I know very few people now who are married before they're 30, if they marry at all. Those that do eventually marry proceed to get divorced in fairly short order. It seems like 20-25 years is the longest one can hope to be married these days. I certainly hope it's a trend that turns around, that some miracle of good communication skills and loving respect will present itself out of the depths of a nation immersed in bad examples on reality TV. In the meantime, I pay my respects to these hardworking and loyal spouses.

After premature deaths and long-time spouses, I read everyone else. A few minutes spent in meditation on people with no obit, just death notices. A few admiring thoughts for folks who did quirky things they must have caught flack for (collecting 150 antique vacuum cleaners comes to mind), and people who suffered the extraordinary and lived on (a child abducted and never heard from again, a holocaust survivor, any combat vets). I know there are lots of things not said in the obits that might be lovable or despicable, and I spend a minute contemplating what those things might be.

Then I close the paper, and having been reminded of the important stuff, live my life.